Saturday, September 29, 2012


To say I have daddy issues is somewhat of an understatement. I know I'm not the only one out there with this issue. Some how I seem to project it on just about every older male around me including pastors that I look up to. The crazy thing is that I have some amazing men around me at times but like always I find a way to discredit them and end up really hating them in the end. I have come to some conclusions on how my step father had something to do with that.  

Ok the word "father" in step-father bothers me. Here is a little fact... I called Ted "dad". Yet in the 20 years he was a part of my life, he called me son 3 times. I know cause I remember each time. The thing is, once I was able to identify the daddy issue thing in my late 20s I realllllllly started to hate myself for calling him dad. I felt like I had betrayed my real father and its something that I have struggled with for years. NOTHING about Ted was dad like and I'm ashamed I tried to impress him. I tried to make him my father. I HATE THAT! He was just not worthy of the title or position. I'm still not sure how to deal with it.

He is a very successful business man. That doesn't come as a surprise, he has just about every book out there on leadership. People seemed to like him too. Yet no one really knows him like my mom and I do. At home he was a tyrant and childish. With all those books, he didn't even know how to lead a family. For a long time it even affected my relationship with God.  I would see him read the bible every morning but the real God he worshipped was himself and money. 

This daddy issue has also shown up in other areas of my life. Like I have a problem with authority. I really really really have a problem with any kind of authority trying to tough talk me or intimidate me. 

Story time.... so I was on a mission trip a while back. We were doing an outreach with a few other churches, some of which were from Canada. They definitely thought that Americans were too loud and crazy. But that's what our job was for this outreach. We cause a scene and share the gospel. We had this whole flash mob thing that we did in high traffic was sweet!

Well in this one particular spot we were having trouble with the police so we decided to do our thing with out the music. I had many hats on including playing music, setting up sound systems, and just helping lead in any way I can. Ok, so there was this one guy in the group.  A real "Alfa male" type yet had really dumb ideas and was just not all that great of a leader (from what I hear later he was soon fired from his church and had been fired from a few others). Ok back to the story. I see the flash mob start so I head over to get with my dance partner and I hear him yell my name. I stop real quick and look back. Within a few seconds he is standing over me loudly telling me how my team is so disrespectful and that this is his country, we are only guests and that he is in charge here.

He got in my personal bubble if you know what I mean. He pointed at the sound system and yelled "GO! Get over there! Set it up!"  I ball up my fist and take a step back but out of the side of my eye I catch a glimpse of my dance partner. She looked very concerned and I realized we were on a mission trip so I backed down. That was the only thing that stopped me from punching him right in the mouth! Honestly, it was a miracle, I was about to make a bad decision. I never get angry like that but I was sooooo pissed. I turn and start walking towards the sound system. He is right over my shoulder talking crazy in my ear and I was then way past the point of anger. I did all I could to not cuss this guy out. 

There were a few pastors around the sound system laughing and just talking. They saw me walking up and I think they could tell I was unhappy by the look on my face.  The alfa pastor say, "what do you need to do first?!" I look at him and in front of everyone stair him down and say in a loud stern voice, " I need you to get away from me as soon as possible!"

Other pastors start asking me questions and I start snapping at them too. As soon as I got it up and ready the leaders gathered together and we had a little heart to heart but I was just not ready. The alfa pastor started talking crazy and I blurted out something about how if he ever does that to me again ... And before I was able to finish my sentence another pastor whom I love said, "lets pray".  Haha perfect timing! Cause I was not going to threaten that guy, I was gong to make him a promise..

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