Thursday, September 20, 2012

Sarah part 2

    We have an extremely complicated history (just like all good relationships. Haha). I would actually say if there were an award show for relationships we would sweep all the categories. It was the very best of everything that you desire in a relationship. Love, friendship, compatibility, passion. BUT, it was also the very worst. LIES, DECEIT, BETRAYAL.  When it ended, it left a scar so big and a wound so deep because of the very nature of the love. The destruction that followed was the kind that doesn’t only break hearts, but tears at the very fabric of the souls of both people involved.  The details of our story would equate to a trilogy of books. But the most important detail for this story is that I betrayed her in the worst way.... I cheated on her.... And honestly, not just once.   
   Alright, now that my dirt is out there, it will give a context to this story about why I really believe that the way the story ends is a straight miracle of the Lord. 
Now we are back in Spokane the day before I leave to head back to Boise to head back out on the road. That night I was speaking at a youth group. And yet again was feeling extremely blasted out. I found out that Sarah was working at noon. I had come up with the idea to write my apology in a letter also to give to her. My thought was that I would give my apology and then give her the letter. It would be something she could refer back to and remember what was said.  I think that often we don't remember what was said during a heated conversation, or we take it the wrong way, ya know? 

   Anyway, that morning I had hurt my back. Goofing off, of course. So, I was really in a lot of pain.  A little thing I should mention… and I don't know why I did this… but it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Since I had to be at the church at 5:00, I scheduled all these convos one right after another. I was meeting Sarah at noon, Kim at 1:30, and Ted at 3:00. Anyway, I was with St and I was taking him downtown to drop him off. We sat in the parking lot of Starbucks on the corner of 2nd and Division. And we prayed. It seems to be a theme lately for me to be begging God. And today was no different, I begged God do some healing. In me and in the people I hurt.  St gave me some encouragement and then hopped out the car. I headed to see Sarah first; I drove to her work and sat out front in the car. I reread the letter maybe 3-4 times. This is what the letter said:
I really don't even know how to start this. At times there are simply no words that can adequately express the depth of a person's feelings that are plagued by regret, guilt and sadness for a wrong. And I know saying sorry can't undo what has been done and it won't ease the pain in your heart. Instead, let me write this to let you know that I regret my actions and what I did is certainly an unforgivable mistake. It pains me to know you suffered as a result of my misbehavior. Guilt burns in my heart thinking of all the hurt that you must have felt because of my recklessness. When I think of you, I get angry with myself because I can imagine all the bitter tears you must have shed over what I did.
I have been doing a lot of mending fences the last few months and so far everyone has been kind and have  been willing to meet and talk with me. In every cases it seems that there has been healing or at least the starting of it. I really have long awaited talking to you and with that said  have had doubts on if your heart is ready to hear me out. The fact that you won't meet with me and I just have to find you is proof to me of that. However I really believe the lord has allowed this to happen now so I have to believe He knows what He's doing.
 The day I ran into Holly was a climax to a very interesting few days surrounding you and Kim and even Ted. It's a long story so I'll just say the Lord hit me hard with this verse in Hebrews 12...
 14  Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. 15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
I made the desision to do my best to find you. I'm really not trying to play the God card, it's just the reality of my life.
This is the part where I am going to ask you to consider something crazy. Will you allow God to redeem our past? We have a very unique opportunity to take all this and turn it into a testimony of grace, forgiveness and redemption. I really don't know what it would look like and I'm not saying we have to be friends or anything. I'm just saying I believe we can be witnesses to the power of the gospel. I know you will need time to talk about this with your people and time to pray. If it takes weeks months our even years my door will always be open. Not many can put the past behind them. Not many can, again, find real forgiveness or redemption in a man who has betrayed their trust. I understand that perfectly. The wound in your heart requires time to heal. We are now at a crossroad and for whatever reason I feel the Lord allowed this to happen now.
 This letter is intended to be short and to the point. I don't want the apology to be over shadowed by any other part of this letter. I imagine this brings up painful memories from the past and I want to reiterate how really truly sorry I am.
So as you can see it was a lot more than an apology letter. I was asking her to let God do real healing between us. I really wanted to be able to share this story with joy of how God can do anything! And heal any situation.  
Alright, so I got out the car and headed over to the coffee shop. I went in, looked around, got a coffee, and went out front to get a table. I don't really remember being nervous. I’m pretty good in high pressure situations… I think was just excited to see what would happen. Sarah is a bit of a scrapper when she wants to be.  Well it DID NOT go well.  Hahaha… When she arrived, she came over and sat down. She had her game face on. But I could see right through her. I could tell I was in trouble up front. But, I had to go for it… So I did my best to share what was on my heart about our opportunity.  She was not having it.  The whole thing got out of hand quickly. I could see how hard this was for her. She got defensive immediately and it felt like somehow Sarah felt like I was attacking her. But I swear, I wasn’t! At one point she blurts out THIS IS NOT AN APOLOGY. I tried to back pedal.  Finally I said “This is not coming out the way I wanted it to”.  I handed her the letter and said “I'm not sure if this will make you mad, but it is how I have been feeling”. She grabbed it away. Leaned toward me in anger and said, “You know me! Is this going to piss me off?  IS IT?”  I looked at her and just said “I don't know”. That seemed to calm things down quickly. We then said our good-byes.  And I walked away. 
To be continued....


  1. Woah.
    this is deep!
    Tell me what happened next!!!

  2. I'm proud of you, Steve for working to make things right, and trying to be sensitive to the Spirit's leading. My thoughts are the same as Kailee's - "Woah. This is deep." Brave story to tell...