Sunday, September 23, 2012

I'm a coward!

Kim... I'm not sure if I ever really truly loved Kim. I am so ashamed to even write that. In fact, I hate even thinking that. But, in hindsight, I am left questioning myself. Did I really love her?  Our marriage was not typical in any way. In fact our whole relationship was not typical. I had known her for 3 years before we got married. We had fooled around off and on the whole time and even talked about getting married once in a while, but we agreed we should date first.  So we did… kind of. 

Late one night  we ended up sneaking onto a golf course with some friends to collect golf balls which had been left behind on the driving range. (Not legal). As we trespassed through the golf course in the dark, Kim and I hid behind some bushes to avoid security and I turned to her and said “do you want to make this official”?  She smiled and agreed. We came out from the bushes and told the other couple our news. Haha. That began our very short dating period.

 4 DAYS LATER! Count it 1-2-3-4 days later, we went to the court house and got married. Hahaha! I want to be clear we officially dated 4 days then married. CRAZY KIDS! I was 21 and she was 18. Oh, to be young and reckless.  Ok, I really did believe we were in love then or at least for what I knew of love which wasn’t much. It seemed so Romeo and Juliet to us. Oh, one other minor detail.... We never told anyone! Not even our parents! That's right, I said it. Neither my parents nor her parents knew for the first eight months of our marriage. 

Then came the pregnancy scare! We thought its probably time to tell some people! Hahahaha.. my poor parents ...  I wish you could have been there when we told my parents. We show up to my parents house… they were eating dinner and we were standing at the edge of the table. I had my arm around Kim and I tell them we got some news. My step-dad keeps eating and my mom looks up from her plate.  Ok here’s my line…. “Ummmm, I-I-I don't know how to say this, but we are married”. Hahaha! Kim and I are smiling and my parents are just looking back at us in shock. Seems like they are trying to catch their breath. Then I hit them with ... “Annnnd we’ve BEEN married for about eight months”. Hahaha! (Did I mention that I already had a fairly strained relationship with my mom and step-dad?) So, I let that last statement settle for a few moments. And then hit ‘em with the grand finale... “Annnnndddd, we are pregnant”.  My step-dad drops his fork pushes plate away and says “I CAN'T EVEN EAT”. My mother blurts out, “I KNEW SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU TWO”!! Kim and I just giggled and laughed. 

Kim had a miscarriage a few weeks later. It was a painful and confusing time for us.  Although we were excited about having a baby and very sad to have lost him/her, we had both been fearful about whether we were ready to be parents. 

The next few years into our marriage were carefree.  It was just about the two of us having fun, playing music together, playing video games, snacking on slurpees and cheetos. We ate pizza every night! But just like every marriage, life found a way to get in to our little bubble. It always starts with little things which seem to grow. We did a really good job of ignoring our problems and began to grow apart. We had these friends Kim and I would hang out with. We would all talk about the married couples we knew personally. The statistics are that half of us will get divorced. We would debate on which of our friends would fail in marriage. At the time, we just knew it wouldn't be us! Yet after six short years, Kim and I split.

Now, to the ugly stuff.... I saw it coming and I didn't do anything about it. The last few years Kim and I lived like married singles. I was hanging with girls and she was hanging with guys.  Honestly, I had fallen for someone else and so had she. We hid our secrets from each other and from everyone else. The last few months leading up to the end, I was just waiting for her to mess up on any little thing, so I could be justified in leaving. Ahhh, man I have a lot of self hate over all this stuff. The opportunity arose and I took it. I abandoned her. I didn't protect her. I fell for someone else and I helped her fail. When it comes down to the truth of it, this was all my fault, but I let her take the blame. I'm such a coward. 

So this is the reason I needed to talk to Kim. I had to take complete responsibility for our failed marriage.

To be continued…

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