When I said I don't know if I loved her what I ment was I didn't love her more then I loved my own flesh, fear and insecurity . I loved Kim as much as I knew how but when it came to really dying to myself and loving her more then I loved myself I failed so very miserably. What I now know and what I now see is heartbreaking when I look back and see how selfish and lost I truly was and how though I was a Christian at the time I could not be Christ like to my wife and choose her and serve her. I know now that I had spent my whole life in self preservation mode just trying to survive and still suffering in my own help from my childhood that when we were married I still was in the mindset of taking care of me and protecting me. I am heartbroken and disgusted when I look back at this period of my life and to be honest that's why I hardly ever do.
Why I blog these stories.
This whole trip thus far has been a time where the lord is shaking me and making me the man i have been always wanting to be. I am blogging all of this for a few reasons one because I am such a bad man left to myself but the lord chooses to use me. I want the world to know that the lord can use a wretch like me then you are in no way counted out. The enemy wants you to live in shame over your sin and to hide never ever letting anyone know how disgusting you really are but there is power in bringing it to light and allowing the world to see you standing unashamed due to the work of Christ. So I want to stand and put my money where my mouth is.......
With that said this is the reality of what happend when I talked with Kim. I'm sitting at Starbucks trying to get my head in the game to talk to Kim, but it's just not happening. I'm struggling to even remember all the things I wanted to say to her. She pulled up and we greeted each other with our eyes. I though I would feel something...ya know, some spark or sadness of a love lost. But I felt nothing. I don't know what to make of that. She looked just as I remembered her, nothing was really different.
Kim has always been good at putting on a smile and sailing through a moment and this was no different. We got coffee and started with small talk. I felt like I wasn't being myself and the whole time was trying to figure out if I was being guarded or shock up from Sarah. I wasn't present for the conversation and I think she could tell. I didn't care, I was going to say what I came to say. I didn't want to have to do this twice. I started telling her the end of our marriage was on me. Shared what I was thinking and feeling before we split. I wanted her to know that I let her be the fall guy and I was so sorry for that.
Somewhere in that conversation I was able to show up and be present. But still a little guarded. I told her about how I had fallen for someone else while we were married. She admitted to some things as well. I must say she is very classy and handled the whole conversation with grace. Even when I was trying to expose the worst of the things I did she coved them. Saying things like "we all make mistakes" and "ya, don't worry about it it's all good". We talked about my conversation with Sarah earlier that day. I told here that I loved Sarah at one point (side note Sarah and Kim used to be best friends). She asked me if I was going to try and make something work out with her I told here I had no intention at all of that and that I didn't think we would ever talk again.
The conversation turned out to be not nearly as intense as I thought It would be. Kim recently had a child and we talked about that. She is a mother now, nothing else matters. I'm very happy for her. She seems for the most part happy and I'm so greatful for that. In the end I am not sure it was all that helpful for her like I thought that it might be. I left feeling like she didn't really care and I'm ok with that. I had tagged her in a post on Facebook with the comment "good things are happening". A while later I noticed that she had untagged herself. Either way, I definitely felt like all loose ends between us were tide up....well at least for me they were.