I know its been almost a month since I last blogged. To be honest, I have been so unhappy, sad, emotional, and depressed. I lost my DRIVE... that fire inside that has always pushed me forward in everything... Its just not there. I've been so unmotivated to write and even walk. I didn't want to be in the spot light anymore. I didn't want the attention yet with leeRoy you get nothing but attention and with attention comes criticism. I felt like I needed to hide out a little, just get out of the spot light. I put LeeRoy in a barn for a bit so I could walk through the city and not get attention but even that didn't work. I started making decisions for this adventure based on what people I had never even met thought. I was in this trap of people pleasing (hate that). Always thinking" how would this decision be perceived by everyone else?" Anyone that really knows me knows I don't operate well like that.
Things like... If I take some time off and not walk, does that make me look like I'm a slacker or like I'm not really motivated? Crazy thing is that the more time I stay in a city, the more money I raise. If I eat and hang out at a bar/pub are people going to think I'm a "bad Christian"? What will people think if I don't raise the money? What will people think if I take the winter off? What will people think if something happens to LeeRoy? A million other questions have run through my mind and numerous decisions I've had to make.
For the past month these constant fears and worries have taken the joy out of what I'm doing. My spirit has felt weak and burdened. I've been faced with many obstacles and set backs the last month, some of which were my own mistakes and bad decisions and others were completely out of my control. I'll share more about these in a later post.The good news is that I feel like I'm getting past all that. The fire is starting to grow and I'm back on my grind.