What I have learned about myself

 Are you a thinker? I’m not, I'm not the kind of person that just sits around and ponders decisions. I feel my way through things. Walking on the road I have all this time to just think, and I have to say it’s so hard to discipline my mind to just think. What ends up happening is that I let my mind wonder and daydream, I don’t really meditate on problems or decisions. Don't get me wrong, I think about things at times. In the past I tried hard to think through things and discovered it never worked out for me. I would stress and go crazy over things, and in the end nothing seemed to work out the way I planned. Plus what ever my first response to the situation was always seem to be what was best. The more I thought through things the more I kept changing my mind from my original reaction, and in the end it always seemed like I made the wrong choice. So I stopped doing that. I just went with what I felt, here's the negative side of that. Sometimes I made decisions before I had all the info. Or I didn’t think of how my decisions would affect others, and that meant some times the people I cared most about got hurt. One of the cool things is that I am lucky to be surrounded by friends that are thinkers. The best example I can give to this is Steve Turner, I wouldn't say he is a philosipher by any means but he gives careful thought to all the decisions he makes.

I think for the most part people are either thinkers or feelers. I'm not convinced one is better than the other. In fact I feel the best is to do both in equal parts.

I can't get my heart and mind to work together.

Ok let's even take it to the next level. What do you think about? Me being a Christian I understand the concept of Christ centered thinking, but I'm not so sure that is what I do. I would say about 98%of the time it's all selfish thinking. And if I'm lucky 2% is spent on Jesus. I want to love God and the wisdom and knowledge of the bible, but I am a work in progress.

Ok next thought: you know when I was in the cold mountains some crazy head games went down. It all started with being ALONE. A little fact about this trip; I did not train at all. Well not in any physical way. To me this was all about mental strength. I'm really good at not showing what is really happening inside of me. Most of the time I keep all of my emotions inside and cover them up. Then after I have taken time to process it I can talk about it... Umm ya that’s not completely true... it's a case-by-case basis... Anyway... Here's the situation: I’m in the ravine off Highway 6 in my tent in the woods it’s completely dark no moon nothing. No light at all. The mountains feel like they are swallowing me up. I'm completely losing it. I Have NEVER FELT LIKE THIS in my life!! I was having a full on panic attack. I couldn't call anyone because there was no cell service, my iPod was dead, my iPad was low on battery life and my phone was about to die. I know this sounds stupid but all those things bring me a lot of comfort. I was trying to distract my mind with music and even listen to messages or podcast but nothing was helping. The darkness, the loneliness, the empty feeling, it was terrifying. It was like I had been completely exposed, peeled back; there was nothing but a weak fragile child in the harsh cold surrounding. I know all this sounds so dumb but it's truly hard to explain. I felt like I was stripped of ... self or me I don't even know. So there I am, just me and the darkness. I started praying and found no comfort. I didn't want God to see me. I had this overwhelming feeling that he was mad at me, or this fear that HE. IS. GOD. I am still trying to put it all together but I will say this; First: So many times in the bible when people see angels or God reveals himself in some way, those people are terrified. Secondly I use social networking, calling, and texting as artificial connections, security, safety, and comfort. Third: I am not as mentally strong as I thought I would be. This happened more than once out there in the Utah Mountains. I had really negative feelings about those mountains, even fear.

With all that said I’ve been having a lot of questions on why I share so many personal life stories on this blog. Telling my story and my background seems to let people see my influences and struggles. I also think it put the way I do things in to context and helped myself and others understand my limitations. Here’s the other thing, I think that my story is more typical to what people go through in life. People don’t have a perfect life; in fact most people to some degree have messed up lives. So I hope and know that people have found this blog helpful, in some cases it gave people permission to feel or think something. For those out there that feel like they have failed or are ashamed of a mistake, my goal is to give you HOPE, hope to stand up and start again.