crying in public...

I don't know anyone who likes crying in public. I know when I cry, I feel vulnerable and I don't want anyone to see me as weak or foolish. Let me set the stage, I'm sitting in front of a gas station in Warm Springs  (an Indian Reservation) in Oregon. It was the first time in a few days that I could surf the web on my phone and check my facebook. For the past few days I've been getting text messages from friends, asking if I've seen the video Steve Turner posted on my facebook page. I was so eager to see it, not knowing what it was really about. Waiting for it to load on my cell phone was a struggle in itself, given I'm not very patient. When it finally loaded and I saw ST marching with the kids, hearing them say my name, saying I could make it... I absolutely lost it! 30 seconds in I had to pause the video, holding my face in my hands, weeping,  totally humbled to be a part of what God's doing in changing the lives of these kids. Feeling like nothing in my life has ever mattered as much as this... nothing is as important as helping them. I watched the next 30 seconds, hearing them quote scripture. I was a complete mess. I stood up raising my hands to God then realizing I'm in front of a Shell station and sat back down, not knowing what to do or how to act. It was overwhelming! For the rest of the day I had a hard time keeping it together emotionally. Every time I thought about the video, I pictured those kids and would well up with tears.

I don't think I articulate enough that this walk across America is not about me but about what God is doing in the lives of the children in Nairobi. Up till now I've never really explained how much money I'm trying to raise or really put any emphasis on the financial side of this walk. In the beginning when I was asked how much money are you trying to raise, I would reluctantly say $100000, thinking $100000 was generous... that it would be more then enough to build something in a 3rd world country. The crazy thing is that it actually takes $200,000 to build the orphanage... double what I thought so God has to do this. Only He by His Holy Spirit can use a guy walking across America to raise that much money and build this orphanage. So that in the end when the money is raised and the building is built, people don't say look at what Steve Turner did or look what Steve Wescott did but LOOK AT WHAT GOD HAS DONE! At times I doubt that its even possible to raise that amount of money and my fear is that somehow I will try to do it in my own strength.

Here's a thought that has been rolling around in the back of my head.  If I'm truly daily walking with the Lord then I should be able to stop walking if He asks...Not finish. What if I get to New Jersey and I feel the Lord say... your done, stop walking and go home. I want to say I would give up anything, I would do whatever He asks... but what if He asks me to give up this walk. Would I? Would I stop, being so close to the finish line? Its not about the walk.. God can raise the money without me.. He doesn't need me to walk... its His party... I've just been invited ... that is all.