Sitting in an ugly yellow leather chair at a Panara bread restaurant. I grab my hat and pull it low over my eyes and look down into my lap. My phone is on the armrest, my IPod is on my left leg and my Kindle Fire is on my right leg. tears are streaming down my face. I look up and in front of me is a bigger lady checking her glucose level. for a second my mind drifts to what it would be like to have diabetes. She's got a polka-dotted shirt; at her table are two other people and they are eating lunch. My IPod is playing a song and it hits me so hard. The chorus is
"How can I serve You, my sweetest Friend.
I'll never go back, now I know.
My eyes looking forward to You instead; desperately waiting..."
Tears flow down my face every single time I hear the words "how can I serve You, my sweetest Friend." It just touches my heart in the deepest places. This whole morning as I have been sitting here, trying to prepare for speaking events all this week. I have two tomorrow morning, one tomorrow night. Speaking at a school next week. I have been speaking two to Four times a week for the last month. In all of that, somewhere along the line, sharing the Gospel; sharing the story, I haven't had an honest moment with the Lord. I haven't had an honest moment with just me and Him and things cloud my mind; fears, sins, things from the past. They always come forward in those moments to condemn me and to change me and to destroy my heart and my mind. I start looking at them, start condemning myself; feeling a ton of shame. "All I want to do is serve You, my sweetest Friend." I grip the chair and just let it ring out in my heart, the voice inside is screaming the words. Just thinking those words, "How can I serve You, my sweetest Friend?" The tears are flowing even harder now. I look to the left and I see a lady staring at me. "I need to get out of here." I start collecting my things and throwing them in my bag and as I try and rush out of the Panara Bread, My eyes fixed on watching my own feet. I don't want to make eye contact with anyone and i don't want anyone to see me. I swing the door open way too wide and almost hit a lady. I don't stop. I cant. I get in the car and I turn it on and I turn up the music as loud as I can and I sing as loud as I possibly can to the Lord, "How can I serve You, my sweetest Friend? I'll never go back, now that I know." It is so hard to not go back to the past; always condemning myself.
All that leads up to this; I am ready to get back on the road. I miss those times when I am out there on the road and it's just me and the Lord. I've come to depend on that alone time with Him and I didn't know it. I don't know how it happened. I don't know when it happened. I don't know when I got far away, or I got distant or I stopped listening. Even in the midst of all this ministry, of all of this sharing, of all the speaking, of all the amazing things I have seen, somewhere in the last couple weeks I've gotten far...I've gotten far.
But how wonderful is the Lord to always draw us back in. I wasn't trying to get close. Trying to hear something from the Lord. I was Looking for anything to get me ready for my week ahead. I was Looking for anything to prepare me. Inspiration. I wasn't looking for a relationship with my God and king But this song; the Lord had to deal with me. I couldn't just get information to share. I couldn't just get inspiration. The Lord had to bring me to the foot of the cross. He had to open my eyes and say, "You can't just be a good speaker. You can't just use the Bible, my love letter to you as information; as a topic to speak on. You need Me."
All of the speaking events went amazing. I really felt lucky to be apart of what the Lord is doing but even more than that I'm am grateful to have him cares about me. Want to be close with me. more over wants me to be close with him.