Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I hate this blog!
So I just woke up. I'm lying in bed in a hotel trying to figure why Mitch the guy I had met back in Glens Ferry took his own life. I hadn’t heard from Mitch for about three weeks. I’d been texting him to let him know I was coming through with no response. We had been talking off and on since I met him. I was planning on surprising him as I rolled through town. I had been anticipating seeing him. As I pulled in to the place I met him I head to the back of the restaurant where the lounge was. As soon as I walk in everyone starts yelling. “Hey it's the goat guy!!” Audrey and Jeremiah (Mitch's best friends) jump up and give me hugs. I say “hey where Mitch?” And the whole place goes silent. Audrey says: “we’ve been trying to get ahold of you buddy. Mitch killed him self.” Both Audrey and Jeremiah wrapped their arms around me... I was in shock. Doing my best to hold back the tears they told me the story. Mitch had given in to his demons. Here’s some back-story on Mitch. When I had met him we had spent the day telling each other personal stories. Mitch told me that he had met a girl and she cleaned him up. He told me he had found Jesus and that this woman helped save his life. He also told me that once he got a good paying job, he had his own money and started drinking again. Well a few weeks back this woman had taken the kids and moved back with her mom. Then from what I hear he took a turn for the worst. This is what I was told: One night he was drinking hard. I'm not sure how it happened but he got in a fight with the cops they took him to jail. Mitch called Jeremiah to bail him out of jail. Jeremiah being his best friend does his boy a favor. Mitch tells Jeremiah he's not feeling well and to come check on him in the morning. The next day Jeremiah found Mitch on the couch dead. He had killed himself with a shotgun. I had sooooo many questions but I didn't want to stir the pot. I let it ride. For the rest of the night we told Mitch stories..well they did. I only had a few. Some the stories were soooo funny and some so tragic. It was crazy ...lots of laughs and tears. Jeremiah disappears for a bit and came back with one of Mitch s work shirts and gave it to me... Oh man ... I lost it for a bit. I headed out to the truck and cried for a while. Jeremiah had called his wife. She came down and we talked for a bit. What a hard convo..she was very strong and put together. I could see through that and could tell how hard it was for her. The guilt she felt. Questioning if it was her fault. Plus Mitch told me he wasn't great at family, and I knew she had suffered the consequences of that. He was so loved by everyone including me.. But we didn't have to live with him, with all his amazing characteristics there still was a very selfish side to Mitch. The reality is that I could see the emotional marks he left one her. He wasn't a good husband or father. However she was left to console everyone around her that only knew one side of Mitch. Or more accurately only chose to see the one side. She was in such a hard place. How do you talk up a person when your in the middle of the worst part of it all.
Everyday since then I have thought about Mitch at first I was sooo bummed and sad. I felt bad for him. Then I started asking questions. Why would he do that? He didn't seem like the type. What was he thinking? He never ever showed any signs at all. Not like I would be able to tell. But you know,not the typical things you would think of a suicidal person would be like. Then.... I was mad, I was mad that he gave up I was mad he left his wife and kids. I was angry and thought that he was so selfish. What a way to leave. He left a huge mess for his wife. While all that is going on in my mind I also was questioning God. I'm not mad at God but I just wanted to know what it was all about. You see I believe what the bible says. The verse that came to my mind while i was think of all this was Isaiah 55:11 ESV version
11 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
I love the New Living Translation
It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
When it says his word will not return to me empty. I believe it. I had shared a bunch of bible verses with Mitch on that bridge. I explained the scriptures to Mitch about freedom in Christ. What happened? Cause it feels a little like it came back empty right now. I have a real hard time seeing the fruit. I guess I don’t really expect an answer. I know God is in control and God is good. But how can I say to his wife God is good and God is in control and expect her to feel better, and yet at the same time I feel like that should make her feel better. It's just hard to understand.
I looked up to Mitch. I respected him. And this messed up my whole view. I started evaluating that. I saw something in me that I really didn't like. It was about who I looked up to as far as older men/mentor type. I made a list of older men that I trust. I was only able to come up with seven men in my whole life that I respected. Out of those seven men I respect and trust enough to be close with, two of them have died. Six out of the seven were or currently are alcoholics or addicts of some sort. Only one was a bible believing steady Christian man. Six of them had really dark sides. I mean really dark sides. All of them had things characteristics that I wanted. Three of them really invested in me. With one really being a cut above them all. We hang whenever we can. He payed me to work on a truck he was building for his son so I could pay for bible college. He has even called in sick for work to spend time with me when I was coming through town, and that meant the world to me. No man has ever done anything close to that for me. (This is going to require a lot more thought)
It is always great to feel the support of someone that gets you and understand you and Mitch was one of those people for me. I had made a really dumb decision. I was feeling so stupid. I had a lot of doubt in myself. Just before talking to Mitch a had a few phone calls with some friends and they all said the same thing. And it really didn't make me feel any better. Honestly it made me feel worse. But not with Mitch and I'm going to end with the last thing he ever said to me.
Mitch said: "F***em! You made a mistake. You are doing your best! What the F*** are they doing to make the world a better place? None of that will matter when you’re walking into Time Square and the orphanage is built. Hey I got to go I’ll call you later. But don't worry about it. I love you man."
I will miss you Mitch!