My life is a movie.

Ya want to know something I find a little crazy…. Through most of my 20’s I only  slept about 4-5 hours a night and I loved it. But since I’ve been back for the winter I have slept up to 9 hours.  Ok, that’s an exaggeration. It’s more like almost 8 hours. Haha. I wake up around 6 or 7 no matter what time I go to bed.  Ok, that’s not true either. I can sleep in till about 8 or even 9 if I go to bed past 2 in the morning. Making it to 9 in the morning I feel like I have slept the whole day away.  And that kind of leads me to my story…
 
First a few little facts.
 
Everyone told me that the state of Kansas would be the worst to walk through. However that was not my experience. I loved it. Believe it or not, there is a town about every 10 to 15 miles. Ok town is strong language. It was mostly like a few houses and a grain silo, post office maybe a gas station. Maybe. Nonetheless, there was something.  A few times there was a gas station that clearly  had been shut down years ago, but it had a working soda machine out front. Haha. Thinking back on this… I remember walking into a small, small, SMALL town late at night and seeing the glow of a lit up soda machine. There was an emotional reaction that went on inside of me.

Ok, this may sound so crazy. When I was 15 my parents sent me to a desert program thing for “troubled and at risk kids” (to this day I still don’t know what those terms mean AND I hate that label). It was called called Treks. It was so sucky. Just about the craziest time of my life. The other boys there were soooo messed up. The counselors messed with your head. I remember them trying to break us. Get us to cry. Yelling and cussing at us. It was scary. One night after some crazy emotion and mental manipulation I laid out in the desert in my sleeping bag and I had to make a decision. Beat this or let it beat me. I made a decision that I was the only person I could trust. I do remember my faith in that moment, but I didn’t know how to use it. I didn’t know how to look to God for strength … so I made a plan. It’s only 3 years till I’m 18 and then I’m free. In my mind it was jail. And I wasn’t going to let them take any more from me then they already had.  I would make it out of this indestructible. 

Anyways, after the desert program I was being transported to a boy’s ranch in Clarkfork, ID called Elk Mountain Academy. On the way there we drove through my hometown: Spokane, Washington. As you drive into Spokane from the west on hwy I90 you come into town from the top of a hill and you get a great view of Spokane.  There is was HOME. My eyes welled up with tears. I couldn’t believe how much I loved this city. How it had made me feel safe and joy and I realized right then for the first time that is will always be my home. 

No I know this sound crazy, but as I walked up to that soda machine in the middle of Kansas I almost had that same kind of feeling. Like the soda or the machine gave me some kind of deep emotional comfort.  
Ok, that was a bit of a tangent…
So instead of a few facts I just give you that one… For now.

Ok back to my story… oh ya I don’t sleep a lot. But in this story that is a really good thing and here’s why.

As you come into Denver, CO on hwy 74 there is a town called Golden, CO.  LeeRoy and I had just walked 16 miles on a back road called old hwy 40 that followed hwy 70.  We spent all day walking. Like always at about 5 I started looking for a place to set up my tent. I had found what looked like an apartment development area. It was right on the edge of a hill I could see Golden, CO. I had thought I better stop here for the night. I didn’t want to get too deep into the city and not find a place to sleep. Let me paint you a picture.  As you look north you can see a Golden and some kind of small factory and what looked like the night shift coming on to start work. to the south are big, big parking lots and a gas station. To the west, high mountains and to the east  was a main road. The development areas was about 4 blocks square completely level and ready to break ground for the foundation. We set up camp and LeeRoy and I stayed up late and talked.
 
Me: So tomorrow is Denver. We made it.
LeeRoy looks at me as he slowly chews on his cud.
Me: It always gets crazy. You know how the cities get… I was thinking we should take some time off here mostly cause it’s going to be a long, long way to KC.
LeeRoy uses his horns to itch a spot on his back towards his tail.
 
The conversation went on. I told him I was proud of him and I can’t believe we made it this far. I reminded him of all the people that doubted that a goat could walk as far as we have.  We shared a granola bar.

I sat with my back up against a big concrete drain pipe that was randomly out there … Looking at the glow for the city lights of Golden and Denver. Leeroy eventually laid his head in my lap and I itched behind his ears. We sat like that for a while. I let my mind wonder and dream. 
 
At about midnight I went to bed.
 
Sometime in the night I wake up. I open my eyes and focus my ears to investigate what’s around me I see the faint outline of LeeRoy against the glow of the city lights. His tail is straight up and I can kind of see the hair on his back is standing up. His ears and eyes are pointed. Dead set on something. Now I know those are all red flags. And when I’m fully awake I am on it. But as I lay there it’s taking me some time to analyze the data in my head.  I laid there another minute with my eyes closed. The picture still in my head. I don’t quite understand how I figured it out but then I was instantly awake. Full on, full scale ready for battle. I grabbed my head lamp and immediately shined it in the direction the LeeRoy was looking and not a minute too soon. There were 8 sets of eyes glowing and staring right back at me … all I could see were the eyes… they all start howling at the top of their lungs. I jump to my feet and start yelling at the top of my lungs. But not any word just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I put on my head lamp and throw my arms up to look big and scary.  And yelling like I was a wild animal myself AHHHHHHHHHH

BUT NOTHING they didn’t move. They are howling and yelling.  HA! Now I don’t know why I did this, but  at one point they were all howling in tune and I started to slid my voice up to match them. For a second it felt like we are all in perfect pitch. Unsure of what would happen next I threw a few rocks their way. And they scattered…
But they didn’t go far.

I kept throwing rocks and started say. “Scat  skedaddle” … eventually they left and I laid back down after the coast was clear. I laid in my sleeping bag replaying what had happened.

Scat? Skedaddle?

I laughed out loud …I really need to work on my tough talk… hahaha.

My grandmother used to say that. I laid there and thought about her in the kitchen saying scat and skedaddle to me when I would try and steal a bite of whatever she was cooking. She would always have some  hostess ding dongs in the fridge. I can hear her now, “Put that back! You’re going to ruin your dinner.”  I slowly put it back and she shoos me out of the kitchen. “Now scat! Skedaddle!” haha
HERE’S TO YOU GRANDMA…. Hahah SCAT SKEDADDLE... R.I.P

24 hours

Today is the day that we start our 24 prayer. I have to be honest, I have been struggling to keep myself on task. I start to pray and then my very undisciplined mine seems to drift off… I am going to keep at it for sure, it's something that I really want to get good at!

 We had about 66 people sign up. I'm so happy that we got that many. Ya know its interesting, I have over 6000 people following me on Facebook. It seems like they all pray for me often, judging by the comments left on my post. I always get “praying for you” or “lifting you up today” (that's Christian code for praying). I am a doubting Thomas I think … I would love to tell you that I believe it when I read it, but truth is, most of the time I don’t. First off, if you do post that and truly do pray for me … I guess I would say, pray that the Lord changes my heart on that… and if you do post "I'm praying for you" or "You're in my prayers" and don’t pray I aint mad at ya. God knows I have said it myself more than a few times…. Either way … I honestly didn't think we would even get this many people to be a part of the 24 hours of prayer…. It's so exciting.

As I have been praying through the list of things this morning and reading I keep coming back to this story of Noah's Ark. I gotta say, I have read through this story about 30 times in the last few weeks. The last blog I did about it was intense for me; really crazy and important for me to get out. Since that time I have noticed a few other things  about that story that I just love… they really hit me hard…

1 Noah had to do a lot of  work

Genesis 6:22: Noah did everything just as God commanded him.

He had to build the ark. Swing a hammer. Get dirty. I love that. This is more how I like to do things. I want to be good at prayer. I want to be able to wait on the Lord and take everything to Him. At the same time, I want to work. I want to be in the game. I think its important to know that when the Lord asks us to do something, it's going to take a lot of hard work.

The other part I love about it is that He followed the directions. I am not always the best at that. I try and take control and “make it my own” so to speak.

Then the Lord said to Noah ”come into the Ark…” :Genesis 7:1

Now there are a few different translations for this verse. Some say, "Lord said GO" others say, "Come into the ark."

In my experience, the Lord always seems to invite me in.  I really believe the Lord gives us an invitation to be a part of what He is doing…"Come into"... He wants to take us on adventures and do wild, crazy things for His glory. 

The last thing that has really jumped out at me is this  story is. Genesis 7:16:

“….And the Lord shut him in.”

God shut them into the Ark to protect them.

I talked about this in my blog called The Ark. In the blueprints that God gave to Noah He didn’t give him a rudder or a compass.

But this verse says it all …God shut them in.

Or… God was protecting them. God was in control. They didn’t need a rudder. God was steering the Ark.

They didn’t need a compass. God was navigating the them through danger and right where they need to go … he was guiding them to land.

I got to say now more than ever I feel this is not just a story that I can apply to the project, but also to my life as a Christian.

Be obedient.

God will invite you on an adventure,

He will get you to the end.

As I pray for Uzima and Needle2Square today. I also pray for you. That you won't say no to whatever Adventure the Lord invites you on…

Failure is your time to shine!

I think I talk about this often. Mostly because its on my mind a lot. I so often have to tell this to people that I meet on this adventure… I also need to hear it myself … The question that every one keeps asking  me is “what if I fail?” here is my advice or my 2 cents…

I think its common knowledge that its not IF we fail but WHEN we fail. In fact, I think a better way to think of it is “what do I do when I fail?”… or even better yet “what do I do AFTER I fail?”

I love how the Bible says it here in Proverbs

Proverbs 24:16 

16 for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity

What do you do after you fail. After you Fall. YOU RISES AGAIN

I really like the way The Message translates it

Proverbs 24:16 (The Message)
16 No matter how many times you trip them up, God-loyal people don't stay down long; Soon they're up on their feet, while the wicked end up flat on their faces. 

I heard this Quote once. “Fail often and early so you can succeed sooner.”

The idea is after you fail you will be one step closer to succeeding. The reality is you really do become stronger and smarter. Here is another bonus that you may not realize. You will absolutely get respect for the people that are watching you… and you will earn the respect from the people that are afraid to even step in to a leadership role and try.

Put this in you mind and save it for later

FAILURE IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE

Ark

The Ark

Do you remember Jason Russel.... 

Kony 2012 filmmaker Jason Russell was moving at a frenetic pace, crisscrossing the country doing interviews and making appearances, trying to keep up with the viral success of his campaign.

And then came the naked public meltdown on a San Diego street that was captured on video.

He addressed the bizarre incident in a new video he hopes will bring interest and action back to Kony 2012, a campaign that calls for the arrest of alleged Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony.

"My mind betrayed me and I was hospitalized," Russell said in the new video. "If you're put in the position to give answers to every question a dozen times over, your mind starts to lose track of where you are, if you've slept, who's for you, who's against you."

Since then I’ve heard him speak and talk about what he went through. It blows my mind. It puts fear in my heart. It makes me question, “Lord am I the right guy for this job? Am I ready for the national stage, for national scrutiny?” I don’t know. It’s scary to think about. You know after hearing his story I got on my knees and I prayed to God and I wept over this. Lord protect me. Protect this project. Protect what we’re trying to do here. I don’t know…

 I’m easily distracted. My heart is fickle. Beyond that, so many times I want the glory. I want the glory. I want people to look at me and think "Look at what Steve has done". I was on Skype with Fred the other day, Fred from Uzima. And he said this, he like, “I’m excited to get done with 60 years of ministry together and to look back at what God has done. To be able stand together and look back at what God has done over the last 60 years.” And I gotta tell ya man that was so humbling. It was so exciting.

I guess my fear is like am I ready for the national stage? Is this project ready for national scrutiny? Can I handle it? And I don’t know. I’m scared of it. For the first time in this project I’m actually scared and it’s not because of a wild beast eating me or getting hit by a car or getting attacked by somebody or whatever. This is like a legitimate fear of failure. Or not meeting some standard…or I don’t know…but I’ve been questioning God if I’m the right man for the job.

This whole last year  the theme was never say no. Never say no to any request on this project. And I learned a lot and I got to do a lot. But something I realized was I wasn’t being the capitan of the ship. I was letting outside influences determine the course of my project. I wasn’t staying focused on my task. And I need to put boundaries in place to protect this, to protect the project, to protect myself, to protect Uzima. Maybe its cynical to think that there are people or that there are forces working against this project at some level, but I’m a Christian, I am doing this for the Lord, and I absolutely believe that the enemy wants to stop what I’m doing and what we’re doing.

And I think looking at this Jason Russell, Invisible Children and Joseph Kony thing it hit me. Hard. It put it into perspective. The reality of what is going on here. If last year was about never say no, this year is about being a better steward of the project. This year is about being a better leader. This is about being a better manager of what God has given me and what’s in front of me.

You know, I’ve always wanted to be a leader. I think on some level I’ve always wanted to be leading and the Captain of the ship, I guess. Soy capitán! But I think now that I’m here, I realize the cost of it. I realize that it’s just not about being the one in charge. It’s about being the one that is responsible for it all. Now I know, listen I’ve heard it all, I have heard all the, ya know, “with great power comes great responsibility” or ya know…whatever leadership you can think of, I’ve heard them. But I’ve never understood it until I was here where there is actual, legitimate cost. People, the children, the rehab, my best friend, there is a lot on the line here. Not that I didn’t take it seriously, but I just... Maybe I didn’t see how fragile it is, I guess. With that said though, with the fear of being in leadership, with the fear of the national stage, I guess, I am very, very, very hopeful. Needle2Square is going through some big changes. We’ve had to grow as the need has grown in Africa. We’re having to change focus a little bit. Change the focus of the message because things are different now. As the leaders, as ST and I have talked about it, as my board has talked about it, and his board, and Fred and I… Ya know, we’re having to make some big changes because things are changing. The need is changing there over in Africa. The need has gotten bigger and broader. Ya know, the involvement of everybody else has opened more possibilities. I’ve needed to create a better infrastructure for my project  a better way of doing things and that’s really exciting. And I’m very hopeful. And I honestly feel like this is the year. This is the year that... God’s going to do something and that’s scary. I’m gonna quickly read something…

 I’m going to try to apply how I feel to a story in the Bible. It’s Noah’s Ark. So God tells Noah he’s gonna to flood the earth and he says I need you to build an ark. And I’m going to read to you what God tells him to build.

First of all, this is the very first boat in the history of mankind. This is the first ark. And God is giving the plans to Noah. So, God who knows everything, knows it all, gives the blueprints of building this ark to Noah. I’m gonna read it and I’m gonna explain how I feel and what I’m thinking.

So it’s Genesis Chapter 6, and verse 14 is where I’m going to pick up:

⁴ So make yourself an ark of cypress^[c] wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. ¹⁵ This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high.^[d] 16 Make a roof for it, leaving below the roof an opening one cubit^[e] high all around.^[f] Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. 

 What I find so interesting about this boat. The very boat that God told him to build, doesn’t have a rudder and it doesn’t have a compass or even a sail. The very boat, first boat in history doesn’t have a way to steer, and doesn’t have a way to navigate where you are going. Doesn’t have a compass. And honestly, that’s how I feel like this project is sometimes. I honestly feel like sometimes Im drifting in flood waters “I’m out here, God. I’ve done what you’ve asked me to do. You didn’t give me the tools I needed to succeed, God. All I got is this goat. And now I’ve got the Bell’s Palsy. I have to talk; to be able to communicate CLEARLY. And not look like a crazy person or like I’m handicapped. My project is already weird enough. I’m walking across America with a goat and now I got a handicap, now I got this droopy face. God, do you hear me? I’m doing what you told me to do!" 

And you start thinking, “Did I miss a step? Did I forget something in the blueprints? Did I not hear God right? There’s not the proper tools here! I can’t steer this thing! There’s no wind, there’s no sail. How we gonna get anywhere? There’s no compass! I don’t know where I’m going!”

Have you ever felt like that? I  think about being on the boat; Im Noah and my son Ham comes up and says, “Okay, what’s next? How do we get there?” You start looking for the steering wheel and everybody is looking to you for leadership. “How do we steer this thing? How we gonna make this work? How we gonna get anywhere?”

right now this is the words that are constantly in the back playing in my head “I’m not raising the money. It’s not working. How ya gonna do this, Steve?”

lets go back to the story of the ark.

What’s the bird that Noah sends out? It’s the dove. And what is the branch that it brings back? It is the olive branch. And throughout history what do those represent? In the bible, the dove represents the Holy Spirit. In the Bible, the olive branch in peace.

here it is... heres my hope... here is the answer to how Im going to do it...

All I have is the GOD. Ill I have his the Holy Spirit bringing me peace. It’s gonna get done. I have no other assurances that is gonna happen. All I have is the Holy Spirit bringing me peace and that’s it. We’re not raising a lot of money right now and it can be discouraging. It can be very discouraging. All I have is the Holy Spirit. All I have is God right now. That’s it.

My prayer is that the Lord makes me ready. If the Lord is going to make this thing a national story, if this is going to make it, make it big, then Lord make me ready.  

Idaho Springs to Denver

Idaho Springs to Denver

 Let me update where I'm at in my story... I had left Idaho Springs, CO. Trying to make it as close to Denver as I could get. I knew I was going to have to eventually get on to I70 for a few miles.  On my way out of town, I was able to get on a bike path past the tunnels. It was sweet, it ran next to the river the for about 4 miles. It twisted and turned between two high peeks, with jagged rocks jetting up at the top. As I walk, I always keep an eye out for some of Leroy's favorite things to eat. Its a habit now. Even when he's not with me, I walk over to a bush and stare at it, waiting for LeeRoy to pop his head out from behind me and and start eating what ever bush is in front of me...

 In fact, just the other day, as I walking I saw a patch of clovers  and walked up them and just starred waiting for LeeRoy to notice them too...The thing was. LeeRoy wasn't with me. He was at a host home and I was going out to eat with the host family. I laughed and then ran to catch up with the family as they walked into the restraunt hoping they didn't notice I had just stood staring at a patch of clovers for a good 10 seconds with a very confused look on my face. It's almost become an involuntary thing; when I see a bush LeeRoy would love, my body seems to be magnetically drawn...I have to keep reminding my self that LeeRoy is not with me ...

 Ok back to the story...
I had been walking through some beautiful territories, and I was loving it. My heart was at peace. I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. About 10 am I started getting so excited. Denver was just around the corner and I wanted to have a successful time. The last big city was Salt Lake, and that didn't go over well, so I was preparing my heart and mind. Also, one thing I have learned is people either love this whole project or hate it--no one is really in the middle. So I have to be prepared for anything. Ya know, looking back now, I remember thinking I was overwhelmed with people and opportunities so often during this journey. The funny thing is that was nothing compared to now. I must say I love it. But I don't think I'm the best with my time. 

 So I'm walking on the old 40 highway. The section I'm walking along at the time happens to be a very dangrous part.  The road has lots of twists and turns and that translates in to a lot of blind corners; and I hate, hate, hate that. There was no shoulder to the road so LeeRoy and I take up about 1/4 of the lane. I had made a plan to jump on I-70 because the side roads were just too dangerous.  People kind of freak out when I do that, but just for the record, the safest roads for us are the interstates. They always have really wide shoulders and the rumble strips that not only warn the driver that they have crossed over the line, and it's so loud that it warns me too.  So say what you want, but LeeRoy and I have always felt the safest there.

 I always walk facing the traffic... In fact, it's kind of turned in to this OCD kind of thing. I'm walking up the off ramp, onto I-70. This always makes me so nervous. I know I'm not supposed to do this. We are full on walking into traffic. About 1 mile into it, I start to calm down. It is fun to watch the faces of everyone driving by on this 4 lane interstate. Some smile or laugh, some looked shocked, but my favorite are the confused looks. I love to see that look of complete confusion, like "what is that guy doing?", "is that a goat?"-- it's hilarious. Just as I'm settling in and feeling confident in my decision, a police car pulls up in front of me. Before they get out of the car I do 3 things: get my ID out, start taking pictures with my phone, immediately get an attitude.
 
 In hindsight, I know the last one is a bad thing. During that time, I had just had a lot of bad experiences so I feel like I lost respect for police officers.  I don't do that so much anymore. I find you catch more flies with honey than vinegar when it comes to police, and even more than that, I know I can only control myself, not them. 

The officer gets out of the car, and I don't really look at him until he gets right next to me. I was staring at my phone with my hand out holding my id. when he comes up to me and says,
 Police man: howdy. What do you got going on here
 Me: not much just walking with a goat. I said as I looked up with an annoyed look on my face.
 Police man: ya I can see that, and you can't do it on the interstate.
 Before he even finished his sentence I started arguing with him.
 Me: I'm walking across America. We started in Seattle and have walked safely to here, and at times we have been on the interstate. 
 Police man: Well, you can't do it here. You have to get off the interstate. You're going to have to take the back roads.
 Me: I'm telling you it's so much worse on the back roads. There's no shoulders to the road has lots of blind corners.
 Police man:  Yeah, but there's not near as much traffic.
 Me: Yeah, well it only takes one...and we are dead.
 Police man: You have to get off the interstates.
 Me: Yeah, Yeah, ok. I'll get off at the next exit.
 Police man: No, man. You have to go back to that exit, and I will escort you there, He tells me with his hand raised pointing behind me.
 Me: What?! Come on. The next exit is about 2 miles away I'll be there in 30 mins.(That's a lie. It would have taken me more time than that.)
 Police man: Nope, sorry. I can't let you do that.  You have to go back.
 I drop my shoulders and throw them back as I say "Yeah, okay...".

To be continued.....
 

I almost gave up on this.

 As this project has grown people have been saying some amazing things about me. Elevating me to a place that I don't belong. So I’ve been thinking I want to write about the failures. The things I have done wrong since I’ve started this project. I’m not trying to give you a false sense of humility, but I want to start a culture of confession. So you can see how this is truly a miracle of God and has nothing to do with me. I say this often less of me and more of Jesus.  It’s so cliché, especially in the Christian community to say “nobody’s perfect,” but I think we all have a class system going on somewhere in our minds when it comes to other Christians we know.

Now I know what I'm about to say is absolutely wrong thinking ... Again I have read my Bible and I know what it says. But somehow in my mind there is this class system to Christianity. At the top of this pyramid are the” SUPER Christians” like John piper, Francis Chan, Matt Chandler, Chuck Smith and Ken Ortiz. They are pastors or missionaries. I know this isn't true, but in my mind they don't sin; they change Christian culture as we know it through the faith and complete dedication to doin what is right at all cost. The next level I call the “Sheep”. They are Christians defined very generally and generically. They don't cuss, they don't smoke or drink, they didn't vote for Obama, they make their kids wear helmets when they ride their bikes, they only listen to The Fish, K Love or some kind of Christian radio, their biggest sin is speeding or not giving the full 10% of their tithe. Then there is the last group; the crappy Christians. We are the kind of Christian that is smoking out front your church before and after service. We have tattoos; we have some kind of addiction be it porn or drinking or something. We can't remember the last time we tithed. The parental advisory sticker is on half our CDs. Most the time we don't vote at all. We don't consider damn, piss or hell cuss words, and the least of our worries speeding or who to vote for. We are trying to not cheat on our husbands and wives. Trying to make it another day without giving in to whatever our addiction is. We are hoping our girlfriend doesn't get pregnant, if she does get pregnant hoping you have the guts to not have an abortion. And we struggle with believing the entire Bible mainly because we have a lot of gay and lesbian friends.

Now before you send me hate mail. I'm 95%  sure  you have your own class system. Most likely based on what your sins are. Think about it.

I put myself kind of in the middle of Sheep and Crappy Christian . With one foot firmly planted in Crappy Christian ... And more of dipping my big toe in the sheep category ... Kind of like testing the water to see how warm it is. I would say More than ever before I live my life by the moral compass of the Bible. But it for sure isn't cause I willed it or I got my self together. I know is only from begging God to change me. He's done it not me. 

 We look up those who are trying to do things in the name of the Gospel. We put them on pedestals. Again, I hate clichés, but it’s true. We put them on pedestals and expect perfection. When they fall.p. we are right there to kick when there down! Side note—I swear to you, every scandalous pastor that has cheated on his wife and has been ostracized by his church, I desperately want to go be his friend. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that what they did should be ignored and not dealt with, but let’s stop eating our own, if "tough love" isn't working. Try something else. To be clear I do believe in church discipline, but let’s not abandon our leaders when they fall. Let the leadership do what we trust them to do and let us as the church love that guy. Bring him closer not push him away.  One of the huge things I see all the time is there is always room for the victim, but there’s never room for the sinner, the victimizer. I’ll explain. Going back to my cheater example. A man cheats on his wife. The church rallies around the wife. She is the victim. I say yes and amen to that, but let’s not forget the husband. Let’s rally around him. Who is going to go get him? Who is going to fight for him? Is it you? 

I feel like when you want to see a change you have got to be the change, you’ve got to start with you and that is what this is about. When you constantly hide things, you become a slave to it. You give it power over you. I don’t want the failures of this walk to constantly keep beating me more than they already have. I want to empower others to not let their past control their future.

I definitely am a different man than when I started this project and I am so grateful for that. Being transparent is definitely not my strong suit. I am always so afraid of what everybody can do to me. I am so afraid of discrediting myself, discrediting ST’s ministry, what he started. The reality is, I really want you to get this.

I’m trying to love Jesus more than my reputation.

I want to love Jesus more than my creditability.

So from time to time, I’m going to be sharing my failures and not for entertainment, but so you can see what it looks like to take yourself out of the spotlight and put the focus completely on Jesus. It's not about my glory but about His glory.

I’m not trying to put on this fake spirituality. I am in a place of sharing the gospel all the time, but not sharing it from the podium. Instead, I sharing it from the mud.

God can use anyone. The clearest picture I can give you is my life. My hope in telling you about my failures and weakness is that you are able see the glory of God and His ability to use anyone. 

About this time last year towards the end of my walking I made some really stupid mistakes. Somebody once told me that when you start something, make your mistakes early and often so you can move onto the successful part. In all honesty, I wish I could have avoided making mistakes completely”. This story is going to surround some events that happened when I was in the Salt Lake area. I’m not even going to tell the whole story; I’m going to give a rough outline. Again my point is not to entertain you with gruesome facts, but to show you a culture of confession and point to God.

When I started this walk I had this vision of me being a hero. Of me being the good guy. And what I’m starting to realize is that my story is more like a Pharisee meets the Prodigal Son. I say often that I’m more like Judas than John, but I didn’t know that until I was alone with myself and God. The first part of this trip was just this constant revealing of how wicked my heart was, from Seattle to Salt Lake was probably some of the ugliest times of my life and then discovering how selfish, prideful, egotistical and trying to look good at any cost I was. This trip as been very revealing. Haha.

I started falling back into old behaviors when I was in Salt Lake and I started drinking pretty heavily. One day I’m in downtown Salt Lake in a place I shouldn’t be with people I shouldn’t be with, drinking and trying to live it up, so to speak. I wasn’t drunk; fortunately by the grace of God I was limiting myself. But in the process, that night, the cops took my goat. I don’t think what they did was right, I was there, I was sober. I wasn’t breaking the law. I had done nothing wrong on a legal standpoint. But the reality was, I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I was at a bar. I was indulging in this lifestyle. Long story short, it worked out, I got my goat back the next day. But there were so many rumors flying around. Some of them truth, most of them not.  All that was playing in my head was what would this person say about me or what would that person say, how would this look. I started hiding. I was trying to hide from God. I was trying to hide from the world. I had been caught being myself. I was so ashamed. I started drinking every night, trying to find relief from the shame with a bottle. I turned to girls, I turned to alcohol, I turned to hiding. It was just a downward spiral. On top of it all, what was killing me the most was that I felt like I was failing these kids. I failed ST. All the people that put hope and trust in me that I failed them all. And I could just not bear the weight of that. For a couple of weeks there I literally drank until I passed out every night. I just I felt like I was allowed to be a part of this incredible project and I was ruining it.

The real reason I quit was not just the cold weather. I needed to be rescued. I needed to get away. I needed to be saved. I had to go back home and get with people that could set me straight. Eventually I made my back to Spokane. The Lord spoke to my heart through the Word. I was at a church service. I don't even remember a single word the pastor said. But I remember the Bible verses : John 5 :11 I pulled it up on my phone bible app. It's a short conversation between a sick man and Jesus . What Jesus said was in read letters and they cut straight to the heart of me.

When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. Now that day was the Sabbath. (John 5:6-9 ESV)

The story is so amazing. Here is what happened as I sat in that chair at church.

Jesus: Steve, do you want to be healed?

Me, the sick man: Yes, desperately but I have already messed this up.

Jesus: Get up, take up you bed and walk.

And the best part of the story "and at once he was healed" read it again.

Do you know what sickness God healed me from? My shame. The paralyzing shame I felt. It almost cost me everything. He healed me from my shame of that failure back in Salt Lake.

Take up your bed and walk.

Those words were approval to me. I felt Jesus say, “I can still use you.” That verse might as well said pick up your bed and walk across America.

Even now I cry over this story. I want to speak to you directly. Jesus has the power to heal your guilt and your shame. It's time for you to pick up your bed and walk.

Monday Blues

I remember hearing this quote, "The greatest tragedy of life is that you don't remember it all".

 That is soo how I feel right now. Not just with this project but my entire life. I have been able to do so much and see so much of the world. In my short 34 years of life I have lived enough adventures for 5 life times. The thing is, it all reads in my head like a check list or a bucket list. Lines on a resume more than vivid pictures of what happened and all the details in save somewhere in my mind.

That said here are some memories I have seemed to keep safe in my mind. There is this term I learned in bible college. "Monday blues". The idea is that a lot of pastors spend most of their time pouring out all week and Sunday they have the final push to empty themselves and serve the body of believers. By Sunday night, they are emotionally drained and on Monday the get the blues. Not because the message didn't go well; it may have been the best message they have ever given. Its just .... emptiness. They have poured themselves out.

My friend Sarah told me about it. She chaged my life and has been one of the most influential people when it comes to sharing my faith.  She showed me how it was done and would always put me in positions to do the work with my own hands. Early on in our friendship we had some crazy times of ministry. There was this one week I'll never forget. She had me sharing at a youth detention center, then the next day we were downtown feeding the homeless at the Union Gosple Mission. That Sunday night she had me doing childcare at the church while she taught a class. Everytime we went anywhere she always seemed to find someone down and out and we would end up in some dark ally praying for someone. 

I was seeing the gospel being lived out in her and through her. That same Sunday night we were driving across a bridge that went over the I-5 freeway. I saw a lady about to jump off the bridge so I yelled STOP THE CAR. We both jumped out and ran over to her. We talked to her; Sarah and I tag teaming the conversation. The lady was clearly talking to Sarah way more than me so I walked away to call the police. While on the phone, Sarah was standing between her and the edge of the bridge with her arms spread trying to not let her jump. I ran back over to help talk to her till the authorities got there. They ended up taking her to the hospital to get evaluated. The very next day after class Sarah and I went to this Thai restaurant for lunch. I was bummed and she could see it. That's when she told me about the Monday blues. Sarah pointed me to Jesus... "dude this is how it's done. You give all you got and then when your spent you get alone with Jesus and He fills you up. The trick is to get alone with Him on a daily basis. It makes the Monday blues a little easier to deal with". I can't tell you how many times those words have played in my mind. A process I'm still trying to perfect.

Reflecting back on those times is defenetly something I needed to do. Like a refresher course. I need to pray with more people.

 Anyway .....The last 2 weeks have been nothing short of amazing. The most successful time in spreading the word of what we are trying to do. Our story has been picked up by the Associated Press (AP) and out of that local stations all over  the nation have been running our story. Even CNN  picked up our story. An amazing blessing and wonderful opportunity.  I can't even put into words how much joy this brings me!

With the this new national attention comes sooooooo many messages, emails, phone calls and text messages.  I literally don't have a second to myself. Now when I'm stopped on the street it's not just 2-3 people but 10-15 people. Cars line up in parking lots as I walk by them and its game time. And I have been at the top of my game! Flawless. It took me 6 hours to walk 2 miles the other day. And I'm honestly proud of that. I have answers for just about every question including the wired ones. I can hand anyone that comes my way. I've learned how to navigate all the conversations and bring it back to Jesus and Uzima Outreach. I can deescalate the haters and handle the weirdos. Treating them all with respect while keeping it fun and informational. I know what I'm doing now.

But it takes a lot of work to do it all and it comes at a price. I am "on" 100% of the time now. So today I'm empty. And have a touch of the Monday blues.

There is a song that has destroyed me today... Left me a crying mess... It's by a band called filter - the song is called take a picture. Here's a few lines from it.

Can everyone agree that no one should be left alone

Can everyone agree that they should not be left alone

And I feel like a newborn

And I feel like a newborn (kicking and screaming)

Could you take my picture

Cause I won't remember

Could you take my picture

Cause I won't remember

Could you take my picture

Cause I won't remember

Could you take my picture

Cause I won't remember - yeah

Hey dad what do you think about your son now?

Hey dad what do you think about your son now?

The cord progression and tones of the guitar are prefect and very moving. I love the melody too.

"Could take my picture cause I won't remember "

And the bridge kills me! In fact, I looked up the words and lost it. The very second I glanced through not even reading the words I just saw the word dad and started crying like a little child. The singer pushes his voice to a yell and it's soooo emotional.... I feel the tension in every note and word.

"Hey dad what do you think about your son now?"

When I'm empty when I'm poured out. I'm always left with this feeling. It's almost like its in my DNA.

1 I'm a lone wolf that desperately wants a pack.

2 I so badly wish I could remember and celebrate the successes of my life.

3 I want someone to be proud of me. Well not just someone... I want a dad to be proud of me. Not my step day cause he's a tool! My real father... who is dead. But I do hope he would be. And even though I have looked for a "father figure" in my life it has never worked out. Even though my father is dead, I don't want to betray him in anyway by trying to have someone less try and take his place in my heart. And thank God for that because when I really think about it, I truly just want Jesus to be proud of me. Not a man.

Being alone with Jesus is the only way to cure the Monday blues.

Now all glory to God, who is able to make you strong, just as my Good News says.....  (Romans 16:25 NLT)